The Focus On You

Self-Care Is A Lifestyle

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How To Bust Out Of The Comparison Trap

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It seems like whether we’re thriving or holding on for dear life, we seem to peek our heads to see how everyone else is surviving. Social media makes these “comparison traps” even harder because people love to show off.

The beginning of the year is the season of self-doubt. When people are already counting “wins” we may be ready to kiss our goals goodbye (again).

What are the reasons we get stuck in comparison traps?

  • We question if what we’re doing is “right.”
  • We want to be accepted even when we don’t accept ourselves.
  • It gives us an excuse to quit.
  • We no longer recognize our own “wins” because all we focus on are “losses.”
  • We haven’t secured a mentor, trainer or guide to keep us focused on our path.
  • It can become lonely when we’re working long hours on our dreams. Comparison breaks up the loneliness.
  • Our dreams/visions/goals aren’t full-fledged commitments.
  • Our squad isn’t supportive or on a similar path.

When I see entrepreneur friends who are killing it in their dreams and goals, I realize that they’re putting in ten times more work than me. I don’t look at that as a personal weakness. I see it as a challenge. If I can’t applaud a friend or colleague on their success because I feel it reflects poorly on me, then I got work to do. Reminder: No one is considering MY goals when they’re achieving THEIR goals. That form of competition doesn’t breed success.

A cognitive trick I talk about in mental health therapy is teaching people to recognize their personal mirrors. We “project”, or throw, our thoughts and worries onto other people because our flaw is ALL we can think about. We assume that’s all they see too.

For example, if I look in the mirror and see someone who isn’t smart, I will assume everyone sees the same thing. I will react to people as if they’re treating me like an idiot. I will assume that every rejection and unanswered text is because people think I’m not smart. When we build up the confidence to work for a promotion, begin a weight loss program or start dating it’s easier to give up if our personal mirror isn’t rooted in love.

I can’t imagine there’s a person on Earth who thinks they’re flawless everyday but are you going to focus on the flaws or the strengths? Point out your strengths daily. Hourly.

Are you focused on your mediocre resume or your badass network of references?

Are the thicker thighs a problem or a benefit during weight training?

Were you hired to have voluminous hair or for your ability to work well with customers/clients?

Did any of these sentences make you feel like you need a boost? This is where coaches, mentors, spiritual guides and therapists fit in. They’ll remind you of your strengths until you learn to do it yourself.

I recently read that likeability is like a prison. Is our desire to be liked something we carried over from adolescence? (I see an upcoming blog  post on this subject…) Accepting who we are places a neutral label on what we see in the mirror. It’s not good or bad. It just is. It’s easier to be loving towards myself if I’m centered in the middle, in neutral, rather than at the other extreme of “negative.”

Bust out of comparison traps by reminding yourself how remarkable you are, how realistic and within reach your goals are and give yourself credit for making it through the day. Find people who believe in your goals and will only lift you up. Accept more than what you see in the mirror. Click To Tweet Point out the wins from last week, last year and the wins that made you feel alive when you were a kid.

The only person you should be comparing yourself to is you. That’s all you can control and you can only go HIGHER from here!

Book Recommendation: You Are Enough: How To Elevate Your Thoughts, Align Your Energy and Get Out Of The Comparison Trap by Cassie Mendoza-Jones





Stop Being Stingy With Your Wisdom!

Imagine if your children’s teachers quit teaching because your child still can’t figure out algebra.



Imagine if your doctor gave you attitude and stopped treating you because you still haven’t brought your blood pressure down.

As a therapist, I work as a guide, not a fix-it. I provide self-care and therapeutic interventions to clients in need. Although some of them are mandated to attend therapy, it’s really up to them to make changes in their life. I have worked with clients FOR MONTHS and they still may feel afraid to set boundaries, stay away from drugs or start prioritizing their needs. My role doesn’t change just because my clients don’t do what I want. Helping others is about THEM, not ME.

A teacher’s job is to teach, reinforce the lesson and provide encouragement. The additional work needs to be done at home.

A coach’s job is to help their athlete improve their game, notice their weak areas and provide encouragement. The athlete can choose to do additional training outside of practice, which will help their performance.

A therapist’s job is to guide their client, provide helpful interventions and provide encouragement. The client needs to incorporate these lessons on their own at home.

See a theme here?

If you are in a helping role think about a time you were on the opposite side of the table. How have you benefitted from someone else’s help?

Or do you act like the students or audience you complain about?

In the blogging business, I have benefitted TREMENDOUSLY from the lessons at conferences and messages from guest speakers. They have taken the time to travel AND present at events in an effort to teach helpful tips for budding entrepeneurs.

A guest speaker or panelist cannot control the outcome of their event. Was one person inspired? Were two audience members actually taking notes? Their job may be done. If audience members don’t follow through on lessons learned that’s their responsibility, not the speaker’s.

If you’re burnt out on coaching, guiding, encouraging or teaching then the problem is YOU and not your audience. Take a break, start saying no, release expectations and incorporate some self-care. IT’S OK TO TAKE A BREAK!

You can't give what you don't have. Click To Tweet

Just don’t leave your role forever. The world is full of eager minds who would benefit from your wisdom!!

Do you think you set too many expectations on the people you help out? 

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Can We Get Awareness For Mental Health Professionals?

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