The Focus On You

Self-Care Is A Lifestyle

Category: Inspiration (page 1 of 27)

The Significance Of “Nice For What.”

Warning: I normally don’t use foul language but I had to speak from the heart. 

When Drake dropped a Lauryn Hill sample over empowering lyrics people lost their mind.

Present company included…..

Recent messages centered around “speaking up” are all over the news lately. But do you know the courage it takes to speak up for yourself? Especially as a woman??

Many women are afraid of calling out abusers, harassers and toxic family members yet the rest of us keep pushing them to speak up. Do you know the backlash they get? When you’re afraid to use your voice and you get shit on, it makes you want to give up. I see this with my clients every day.

Some people are afraid to even ask for a raise or a vacation day. And with all this pressure to “speak up” women bear the burden of being “nice” about it.

The emotional labor that drains women, moms and/or the household manager in your home is no joke. Like dirty laundry, emotional labor piles up. In a nutshell, emotional labor is when family or household tasks require time, problem solving and management. It can be draining and is usually overlooked. Although the name  suggests “emotion” it’s really all the behind-the-scenes planning and administrative work that causes “multiple tabs to be open in our brains.” For most women, it’s frustrating to even ask for help with emotional labor and even more draining trying to explain what one task entails.

For someone suffering with the overwhelm of emotional labor, how many things fall apart when you’re no longer “nice for what?”

In the last year my professional future has been at the mercy of bureaucrats and I am currently exhausted from being nice. I was taught that you “get more flies with honey than vinegar.” I know it’s not spiritually correct to be an ass, but what happens when you feel taken advantage of? Click To Tweet They say that people get angry or raise their voice when they’re not being heard. After months of being unheard it’s a daily chore to speak up, write angry emails and try not to lose my mind. Now I wonder if men use this same principle or do they have it easier? (Let me bookmark that for a later post).

Normally my posts are centered on educating or enlightening people but now I come to my audience confused, exhausted and asking for help.

Where is the balance between being kind and getting to the fuck-it level of “nice for what?”


Feel free to comment on any of my social media pages with #thefocusonyou.
Let’s keep this conversation going! 

How To Shift From Extremes To Sufficiency

This isn’t going to be a post about work/life balance.

This post will ask you to look at where you may be “off. “

Living in extremes.
Living in a deficit. 

Let’s analyze a few things first.

I want you to imagine that you are trying to maintain your lifestyle, routine and responsibilities by standing on one leg. How hard would it be to manage your life PLUS self-care if you’re worried about falling over? How tired would you be at the end of your day? Every day would be consumed with trying not to fall. After a few falls you may decide to just stay at home. You would jump out of the race and say “forget it.”

If you feel that you hit life’s speed bumps harder than other people, this may be why.

I have worked with clients who live in extremes. Follow along and see if you relate. Some people do TOO MUCH for others. They always say yes, when they mean no. They get burnt out on helping others and feel taken advantage of. Maybe you set your standards too high and when they can’t be met, you take it personally. You jump into a relationship or job at 110 mph when no one asked you to. Yes, it’s your own fault if you start too strong, but maturity means that you can readjust the standards and keep pushing forward.

It’s possible to be doing TOO much at work. Depending on your career, its advisable to take a seat for a little while. Trying to impress others all the time can be draining. This is a case of the extremes.

Another extreme is being so burnt out that you shut down from life completely. You isolate, let phone calls go to voicemail and work hard at avoiding personal contact. In your head you feel its justified, especially if you’re like the person above who is burnt out. On the outside we can all see that its dangerous. I’m not saying that a weekend hibernation is dangerous but if you slow down to 25 mph every weekend and then have to speed up to 90 mph to catch up again, that’s a problem.

Living in extremes is dangerous. We never know what tomorrow brings. I’m not saying that we need to live our lives idly and wait for crises. If your lifestyle leaves you standing on one leg, what would it look like to walk on both legs and be more “balanced?”

Is the middle ground considered “sufficiency?” It’s not the extremes of survival or abundance. It’s being balanced, humble and living sufficiently.

How do you get there?

  • Look at your weekly or daily schedule and toss a few items.

  • What activities or rituals do you NEED AND WANT in your life? Have you neglected your health? Do you want to miss your friends or family? Fit them in. 

  • Who is draining you of energy? Fix that. Now. Who can help?

  • Has spirituality taken a back seat in your life? How easy would it be to make that a priority again? Remember that spirituality doesn’t always mean attending a place of worship. Connecting with your spirit could mean disconnecting from spiritual vampires or feeding your thoughts with nourishing writings, messages or sounds. How could you make that happen?

  • Start your morning with a gratitude practice (morning prayer, journaling, mindful exercise, grateful social media posts). Stop spending your morning complaining. You’re tired. We get it.

After reading “The Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod, I learned how changing one’s morning routine is about more than waking up early. As a busy entrepeneur, speaker and author, he doesn’t start his day at 110 mph. He spends his mornings with a few moments of silence, repeating helpful affirmations, visualizing what he wants to attain, exercising and reading. This may sound like a whole day’s worth of activities but he re-energizes his day by “boosting his potential” with these activities. Plus, he describes how he can combine silence, exercise and affirmations all within one activity- running.

Although the lessons from the book and the ideas mentioned above may feel like you’re doing “more”, it’s wise to pull out what’s NOT working.  How can you replace it with events, thoughts, people and routines that plant both feet on the ground?

How can you start living a more “sufficient” life this week?

Book recommendation:



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